WHEN GOD GAVE AND TOOK AWAY — AND GAVE AGAIN
Before you read: This testimony shares my experience of miscarriage and pregnancy complications. If you are walking through a fresh loss, please read with care – or come back to this when you feel ready.
2 years ago, during the summer of 2024, something unexpected happened – I got pregnant for the fourth time. While we always thought we would have more children, the timing didn’t seem right. That year, besides working a 9-5, I started my own business and tried to juggle family responsibilities, renovations, and many other things. Life was busy, but… I was happy about the pregnancy.
I told my husband that this child was an answered prayer I didn’t dare to pray for. Our third child also came at a difficult time; it didn’t make any sense then either, but God worked it out beautifully. So I knew that since God gifted us another child at that moment, He knew what He was doing – that we would manage, that everything would work out just fine. So I was happy.
Five weeks later, I went to my first check-up. Everything seemed fine, but the baby was missing a heartbeat. “It’s fine,” the doctor said. “There is still time. The baby is still small. Let’s wait – the heartbeat should appear in a few weeks.”
I tried to stay positive. After all, there was still time, there was still hope. So I prayed. And I went to Google… I did my research, took all the vitamins, and improved my diet. In fact, I took better care of my health than I ever had before. I did everything I could to make sure my baby was alright.
So when I went to my doctor a few weeks later, I had good hopes. Then she said during the ultrasound, “The baby has grown, but there is still no heartbeat. I’m sorry.”
And my heart dropped.
I tried my best not to burst into tears right there and asked if she was sure, if there was still a chance – but there wasn’t. She explained what to expect next: that I should start bleeding in the following days. But I didn’t.
They checked again and said this was a silent miscarriage. In order to help my body, I had to take some pills. They didn’t help either. So the following week they scheduled me for a curettage – a medical procedure to clear the uterus.
Even on the day of the procedure, I still had one little ounce of hope. But after it was over, my grief took over.
I didn’t understand why. I asked God why He would give us a child and then take it away. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.” [Job 1:21] was in my head. I knew, even in that pain, that the Lord always has His reasons, even though we may not always understand.
But I wasn’t able to tell my children. Usually, when I was pregnant, I shared the news right away. This time I had a feeling not to tell anyone. To this day, I have only told a few people. When it comes to my children, I want to wait until they’re a bit older. They should know they have a sibling in heaven. And one day we will see him or her again.
My perspective completely changed after this.
A few months earlier I was tired and saying, “I’m not sure if I should get pregnant right now.”
Now I understood in a completely different way that children are a blessing. On one hand, I always knew it. But this time, I deeply felt it. We decided to try again, but we were told to wait three months because of the procedure. So we waited.
One night I had a strange dream. In that dream I was pregnant and in a store trying to buy a toy for my baby. It was very expensive and I wasn’t sure if it was good, so two sales ladies carefully checked whether it was in good condition and said it was fine. But then their boss came and said it was broken.
Suddenly the scenery shifted and I was sitting in a peach tree in a field (by the way, we have a peach tree in our garden). It was warm, the sun was beautiful, and I felt great peace. Next to me sat a very old man. He was eating a peach and watching a small boy who came and took his peach away to eat it himself. He laughed.
I didn’t understand what that dream meant back then…
One month after I stopped bleeding, I had an ultrasound to check if I was healing correctly. To my surprise, the doctor said I was completely healed and that we could try to get pregnant sooner. That happened around Christmas time. Full of hope, we tried again.
The following month we knew it hadn’t worked because I got my period – but it didn’t stop. I was bleeding for over a month, so I had to go to the doctor again. It seemed my body was confused. Nothing was seriously wrong, but after prescribing hormones, she advised us to wait a few months until my cycle became regular again.
Just like in my dream. Everything looked fine, but the boss knew it was broken.
So we waited again.
In April 2025, we tried again because everything finally seemed fine. That very same week, my breast started to hurt and I was diagnosed with a breast abscess. I had to go to the hospital for another procedure.
Immediately I was worried because I didn’t want the medication to negatively affect a baby – in case I was pregnant – but it was too early to take a test.
After the longest week ever, I took the test – it was positive.
We didn’t tell anyone. We wanted to make sure everything was alright this time. I also didn’t rush to the doctor as I normally would. I wanted to wait until the baby was bigger and, honestly, not get my hopes up too quickly.
Several weeks later, I went to my first check-up and… there was a heartbeat.
But we still didn’t tell anyone. We wanted to wait for the next ultrasound. After my next appointment, my doctor gave us the green light. We were having a boy. He was healthy. And we finally told our family.
One week later, out of nowhere, I started bleeding heavily.
We rushed to the hospital and the doctors weren’t very optimistic. They ran tests and told me to wait. I cried out to the Lord again:
“Why? And why now? After waiting so long to tell my family – how am I supposed to tell my children their little brother is dead? Just one week after I told them about him.”
After a few hours, they finally did a proper ultrasound. I truly expected the worst.
“He is alive,” the doctor said. “The bleeding is next to him, but he is fine.”
I was shocked. And relieved, of course. But from that moment on, I was extremely careful.
I had to slow down tremendously, which wasn’t easy for me. I’m a go-go-go person. Now every little movement hurt. And I didn’t want to lose another baby.
That was a hard summer. I was allowed to return home, but the bleeding continued. The doctors said it would take time for my body to heal. I had to rest most of the time, which isn’t easy with three small kids. My husband had to take on everything, while still running his own business and honoring the contracts he had signed.
And we were still so worried.
After thinking and praying about our situation, we decided not to have any guests over – including family – until after the baby was born. Some understood. Some didn’t.
God confirmed that this decision was necessary. The amount of work He did within us during that time is incredible. Our priorities shifted. From pleasing and fearing people, we moved closer toward pleasing God – even if it hurt.
As the months went by, we expected an earlier delivery because statistically that often happens to women who experience pregnancy bleeding. Christmas came and nothing happened. Then New Year’s Eve – my due date – and still nothing.
Then I stopped feeling him move. Until that point, he had moved a lot. So we rushed to the hospital again – and he was fine. Thank God.
Eventually, one week later, they had to induce labor.
He was finally here. In my arms.
The Lord was very clear about what we should name him:
John (“The Lord is gracious.”)
Michael (“There is none like God.”)
Remember my peach tree dream? I believe that old man was God and that little boy was John Michael – our miracle boy, promised to us after our loss.
During this whole time, the Lord did deep work within us. He revealed hidden issues and traumas and began healing them one by one. He deepened our trust and faith in Him. He taught us how to slow down and lean on Him. He strengthened us and made us bolder.
I am not going to lie – the last few years have been the hardest of my life. I didn’t, and still don’t, understand everything. My heart was broken many times.
But I can see now that without this whole experience, I wouldn’t have learned what I needed to learn – and I desperately needed to learn it.
The Lord took what the enemy meant for evil and turned it for good. And I am grateful for who I am becoming today.
All glory to God.
P.S. If you are grieving, one thing that helped me a lot was worshiping the Lord. I didn’t feel like it. I could barely make a sound. I whispered the lyrics through tears. But I know the power of worship – and it truly made a difference.
I will link the songs that helped me below.
If you are walking through something similar and need someone to talk to or need prayer, you can reach out to me at hello@thetruetherapy.org.
The songs I wrote about (one song twice, because I love both versions):
Fear Is Not My Future – Maverick City Music
Fear Is Not My Future – Brandon Lake & Chandler Moore
Joy In The Morning – Tauren Wells & Elevation Worship
DISCLAIMER: The information provided on this website, including advice and insights, is based on my personal experiences and Christian beliefs. I am not a licensed medical doctor. For any health concerns, please consult with a qualified healthcare professional. Read the full disclaimer here.
