HOW GOD HEALED MY DEPRESSION

I am not sure exactly when my depression began, but it started sometime during my childhood and it kept getting worse as I got older. I did believe in God (I was raised Catholic), but my knowledge of Him was very vague. Back then, I didn’t know that miracles still happened, yet in my teenage years I started to ask God to take my depression away.

I tried to stay positive, yet the more time went by, the more meaningless everything seemed to me. This is what eventually led me closer to God. I noticed that nothing made sense to me except those small moments in nature or with the people I loved. Now I know that, subconsciously, I felt that the world couldn’t give me happiness; only God could fill that hole. 

In my twenties, I started to read the Bible. I noticed how different it was from what I knew from my Catholic upbringing, so I left the Church. I know there are many options in some countries, but there aren’t that many in mine, let alone in my city.

The problem was that now I knew the Bible. But I didn’t know anybody who did, too (besides my husband). This caused a very religious approach to my faith. I loved God. I wanted to be better for Him, but I lacked understanding.

I shut myself off from “sinners” (like I wasn’t one myself), and I gave up all my dreams because I thought I wasn’t allowed to have any. I buried all my talents, I thought fun was taboo, and I thought that, as a mother, I wasn’t allowed to have a job. Yes, my life became very dry.

As time went by, I came across Billy Graham on YouTube, and he convinced my husband and me to find a local church. So I googled all the churches in my city and found only one that was based on Scripture. In that church, we quickly got baptized. We finally had community with fellow Christians.

Thing is, that church was dead.

We ignored all the red flags and stayed – I think it was for about four years. Then the Lord got us out.

After that, one of the hardest periods of my life began. On one hand, God opened my eyes and slowly started working to free me from religion. He showed me churches online in America. That was a whole new experience – the complete opposite of what I had known up to that point. On the other hand, I became very resistant to religion and legalism. I felt more comfortable around unbelievers than believers, who I felt were too judgmental and lacking in love. I was tired of overthinking every little step to “be right with God.”

That church we left had another issue – many marriages were struggling there, and that same thing happened to us.

That caused me to get angry with God. I was deeply hurt and felt alone. I did not understand why I had to go through all this (many more things had happened that year). My marriage and my depression were getting worse and worse, and then I decided to turn away from God.

This is when my depression hit rock bottom. I still knew that the world couldn’t give me happiness, but now I couldn’t find it in God either. I wondered how long I could go on like this until I would want to end myself.

I still felt needed though. The only thing that kept me going was my newborn son. He was the only one always smiling at me. We didn’t plan to have a baby that year, because who in their right mind would plan one in such a time as this? But God knew better. To this day, I call my son our greatest “mistake.”

After a few months had gone by, a worship night popped up in my YouTube feed. I am not quite sure why I clicked on it. They were mixing worship with prayer. They were singing something like “Chains fall…” and they were declaring: “chains of depression, chains of addiction, chains of sickness, …” and for some reason I prayed with them.

I still wasn’t with God, but I also still knew He was very real, and at that moment I understood, although I was angry with Him, that He was the only One capable of healing my depression.

The next morning when I woke up, my depression was gone.

I know it wasn’t a placebo effect. After all, I had prayed for deliverance for over a decade. I know God did it. But that’s not all. He also showed me that there was an actual cause – my comfort zone.

He just flipped some kind of switch in my head – suddenly, I was able to step out of it. Even though I was still afraid, this time it felt more like excitement.

Naturally, I returned to God, but… I also felt guilty. Not only for leaving Him but for cussing Him out… (yes, I did). I felt like Job who lost. And I had always thought I would be the kind of Job who wins.

Then I watched a sermon online. I had come across it many months earlier, before I turned away from God, but I didn’t feel like it was time to watch it back then. So I opened it in a new tab (I’m the kind of person who has 50 tabs open…) and it stayed there for months.

I had no idea what this sermon would be about. It turned out to be about a pastor sharing his testimony. How he had turned away from God after his dad passed away. About his anger with God. About how he returned to Him and the forgiveness he received. I knew then that God forgave me for what I did.

And He sent me that sermon before I even did it.

After that, life became better. God rescued us from our “Egypt” and then He led us into the Wilderness…
But that’s a story for another day.

After a long break from writing, I felt God calling me to share this testimony. While listening to this worship session, I strongly felt His presence, and it was one of the ways He confirmed it to me:

Lean Back + Touch of Heaven | Rose Worship Studio Session (feat. Julia Damazio + Immanuel Garraway)

DISCLAIMER: The information provided on this website, including advice and insights, is based on my personal experiences and Christian beliefs. I am not a licensed medical doctor. For any health concerns, please consult with a qualified healthcare professional. Read the full disclaimer here.